He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Randomize
