I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
