Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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