Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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