def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
