who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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