tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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