JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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