im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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