I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
