i love accidental penises.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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