So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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