My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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