I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
