i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
