i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize