My liver just broke up with me...
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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