This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
