Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
The beer is more important than you right now.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
