I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
