please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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