Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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