I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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