I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I just threw up on my dentist
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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