I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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