Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
