How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
