Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
