my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
