D3 body, D1 cock
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
