anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
