So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
