I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
