I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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