So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
