Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
