I'd wear matching sweaters with you
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
