Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Randomize
