I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
