turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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