Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
