Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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