Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize