AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize