I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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