I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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