I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
