you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
