The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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