I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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