Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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