Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
