Will you blow on my dice?
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
