i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
you never un-have a 4some
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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