Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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