1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
