i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He uses pillows to masturbate.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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